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snowywolfowlSo the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) has decreed in its god-like wisdom that certain beers and liquors may not be sold in Ontario.
The reason is not that the alcohol content is too high, or that they are spiked with turpentine, melamine, or Japanese seawater. No, they are worried about the message being sent through the packaging. Apparently drinking vodka from these bottles might be triggery for those who have lost loved ones to drunk driving, fetal alcohol syndrome, and cirrhosis of the liver.
To this I must point out something really, really obvious to any lifelong resident of Ontario that may not be readily known to non-Ontarians.
To buy liquor, you have to go to a LIQUOR store where they sell...wait for it! Wait for it! LIQUOR! If you honestly feel that traumatized by alcohol, here is a tip to minimize the intensity and frequency of your flashbacks:
Don't go into the BEER STORE. Look, it's not like they sell Budweiser at the corner store or WalMart. They're not allowed! Those places don't have liquor licenses! Remember, the strip mall is a safe place!
Seriously if the LCBO is this bent out of shape by this bottle God help them if they ever look at the pictures on a pack of cigarettes. One glance at those pictures of mouth cancer was enough to make me swear off breathing for the the rest of my life, forget about smoking.
So, moving on, they also feel that this beer brand might be making light of a serious situation:
And actually, on second thought, I think the LCBO has a point. The Pink Elephants musical number in "Dumbo" is freaking terrifying to small children as well as high school/college students below the age of 19. This childhood trauma could put them off drinking and thereby damage the profit margin of one of the most profitable Crown Corporations in Ontario.
That's it. I'm on their side and I call for every Ontario resident to do their patriotic duty and burn every Disney book, movie and stuffed animal to ash. This threat is just too much to ignore. Protect the revenue of Ontario! Burn Mickey!
I also call upon our vaunted legions of Snowbirds hidden throughout Florida. Now is the time to protect your Old Fogey Pogey! Your country that you desperately escape for six months of the year needs you to find and thaw out Walt, and then burn Disneyland to the ground like we did the White House in 1812.
And now that we are on the topic of liquidating our beloved cartoon friends in a purge worthy of my beloved Uncle Joe, lets look at the third product banned by theNKVD LCBO.
Yep. You know it.
"Smash Bomb IPA", from "Flying Monkeys Craft Brewery":
Uh, what the hell?
You know, come to think of it, they're probably right again. I mean seriously, who wants to drink beer made in a sweatshop run by the Wicked Witch of the West? Just the thought of those poor abused monkeys filling beer bottle after beer bottle with their beer is....
OH MY GOD!
I recant! I recant! The LCBO is right! Long live Oceania! I LOVE YOU, BIG BROTHER!
The reason is not that the alcohol content is too high, or that they are spiked with turpentine, melamine, or Japanese seawater. No, they are worried about the message being sent through the packaging. Apparently drinking vodka from these bottles might be triggery for those who have lost loved ones to drunk driving, fetal alcohol syndrome, and cirrhosis of the liver.
To this I must point out something really, really obvious to any lifelong resident of Ontario that may not be readily known to non-Ontarians.
To buy liquor, you have to go to a LIQUOR store where they sell...wait for it! Wait for it! LIQUOR! If you honestly feel that traumatized by alcohol, here is a tip to minimize the intensity and frequency of your flashbacks:
Don't go into the BEER STORE. Look, it's not like they sell Budweiser at the corner store or WalMart. They're not allowed! Those places don't have liquor licenses! Remember, the strip mall is a safe place!
Seriously if the LCBO is this bent out of shape by this bottle God help them if they ever look at the pictures on a pack of cigarettes. One glance at those pictures of mouth cancer was enough to make me swear off breathing for the the rest of my life, forget about smoking.
So, moving on, they also feel that this beer brand might be making light of a serious situation:
And actually, on second thought, I think the LCBO has a point. The Pink Elephants musical number in "Dumbo" is freaking terrifying to small children as well as high school/college students below the age of 19. This childhood trauma could put them off drinking and thereby damage the profit margin of one of the most profitable Crown Corporations in Ontario.
That's it. I'm on their side and I call for every Ontario resident to do their patriotic duty and burn every Disney book, movie and stuffed animal to ash. This threat is just too much to ignore. Protect the revenue of Ontario! Burn Mickey!
I also call upon our vaunted legions of Snowbirds hidden throughout Florida. Now is the time to protect your Old Fogey Pogey! Your country that you desperately escape for six months of the year needs you to find and thaw out Walt, and then burn Disneyland to the ground like we did the White House in 1812.
And now that we are on the topic of liquidating our beloved cartoon friends in a purge worthy of my beloved Uncle Joe, lets look at the third product banned by the
Yep. You know it.
"Smash Bomb IPA", from "Flying Monkeys Craft Brewery":
Uh, what the hell?
You know, come to think of it, they're probably right again. I mean seriously, who wants to drink beer made in a sweatshop run by the Wicked Witch of the West? Just the thought of those poor abused monkeys filling beer bottle after beer bottle with their beer is....
OH MY GOD!
I recant! I recant! The LCBO is right! Long live Oceania! I LOVE YOU, BIG BROTHER!
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Date: 2011-04-07 03:44 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2011-04-08 01:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-07 09:18 pm (UTC)I'm actually going to follow this up with a serious and straight post about the economics of this type of decision making. Since I don't think you have anything like the LCBO I honestly think you might find it interesting.
And as Telemeister, the hottest gospel bluesman I know, said, your icon is perfect.